Suspiria ☆ (1/5) 2/06/19

Why?

Why did Luca Guadagnino make this film, when he clearly has no fondness for the original? He doesn’t include any of the qualities that made the original special.

Why does Tilda Swinton play three roles? She’s only really good in one of them.

Why does the climax look so cheesy? I assume it looks the way they wanted it to look. Why did they want it to look dumb?

What’s with the M.C. Escher vagina? Is that a joke?

Mia Goth is good; she’s very beautiful, too. Jessica Harper, whose beauty added a magical fairytale element to the original, gets a lovely little cameo. She’s still beautiful. But I think Suspiria, this Suspiria, is a shitty trainwreck. And boring.

A lot has been made about the silly choice to cast Swinton in a male role. The filmmakers explain this as a desire to not have the male gaze in the film. But the director and screenwriter are men. So… umm… what?

I could rant more, list all the bad choices, debate whether Dakota Johnson is really just… meh… or if she gets a pass for doing okay with an impossible, poorly defined role, and so on and so on and etc.

But I’ve already given this mess too much time in my mind.

*Interestingly, my friend Dominick really liked this Suspiria. I love Dominick, he’s smart and he’s a horror fan. But jeezum crow, I think he’s wrong about this one.

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